Why are people giving out full-sized candy bars on Halloween?
What are you trying to prove — that you’ve “made it”? Nobody’s impressed, Jeff, we just think you overpaid to feel morally superior to the fun-size crowd. And then you post in the community Facebook group like, “We still have some left if anyone wants!” Oh really? Translation: “Please acknowledge my generosity and validate my poor impulse control.” Might as well just post a selfie holding a Snickers with the caption, “Look at me! I’m the Candy Messiah!” I get it, kids used to always rave about the one house that had full size candy bars. Now everyone’s doing it, and it’s just kinda a bit much.
No. Christmas lights should not be up yet.
And if you’ve already got a Christmas tree up, I hope your turkey is dry out of spite. The rule is simple: not until the day after Thanksgiving. Do not skip Veterans Day. Where are the red white and blue lights? Just put up all the 4th of july stuff again. Not Christmas. Do not skip Thanksgiving — the one holiday where we get to eat ungodly amounts of carbs and pretend we all still like each other. Thanksgiving deserves better than being treated like the pregame show for Christmas, you peppermint-scented, Mariah-Carey-summoning maniacs.
Pumpkin pie is delicious, Pumpkin Spice lattes are not.
Pumpkin pie is one of nature’s finest ways to justify eating vegetables for dessert. But pumpkin spice in coffee? Absolutely revolting. It tastes like someone tried to make a candle into a beverage. If you want something with that cozy pumpkin pie vibe, skip the syrupy abomination and go for a chai made with heavy cream, topped with a little cinnamon and nutmeg. It’s rich, balanced, and doesn’t taste like Bath & Body Works took a shit in your mug.
For the millionth time, a hot dog is not a sandwich.
It’s a hot dog. That’s what it’s called. It already has that name. Everyone knows what to call it. Nobody’s ever said, “Hey, can you pass me one of those long meat tube sandwiches?” No. It’s a hot dog. Just stop with the ‘is a hot dog a sandwitch’ question, it isn’t clever, I first heard it at a cheesy conference in like 2004.
Can we please not make adult prom a thing?
Has anyone else heard about this trend of grown ass adults throwing adult proms? Really makes you wonder who’s walking around thinking, “You know what would make my midlife crisis complete? Renting a gym, a disco ball, and a corsage I’ll regret in 20 minutes.” For fucks sake, I already have to avoid a class reunion every 10 years, now this?
It’s lame that Target laid of 1,800 corporate workers last month.
A large portion of those here in Minnesota. “We’re simplifying our structure to stay competitive” they said. Translation: “We can’t figure out why Walmart and Amazon are doing better, so our instinct is to treat our employees the same way as Walmart and Amazon.” Also, somehow Best Buy still exists, which at this point feels less like capitalism and more like divine intervention.
It’s weird how when I try to explain why I don’t like Donald T***p, I start making a list…
Then I start worrying I’m forgetting stuff… then I realize I’d need a sabbatical to finish it. But if I keep it short, people are like, “That’s all?” No, Biff, that’s just today’s chapter. Then I start worrying that I need to spend the time citing all of these things with references, knowing that I can because I’ve read all the articles. But do I have the time? Then I remember I’m not talking to a serious person.
It’s stupid how lawmakers are blaming each other so hard over the government shutdown.
It’s like watching divorced parents argue about who forgot to pick up the kids — except the kids are 800,000 government workers.
