I tried to take it easy this weekend. The past few weekends have been busy, and the upcoming weekends are going to be as well. So I watched a lot of sports.
It looked like this was finally gonna be the Minnesota Twins‘s year, but here we are again, biting our nails, stress-eating, and praying to the baseball gods—tied for the last AL Wild Card spot.
Well, my beloved Chicago Bears are looking about as sharp as a spoon this year, while the Vikings are out there prancing around in their purple tights like they actually know what they’re doing with Sam Darnold of all people. Rookie QB Williams did manage to connect with Odunze for a big pass, but apparently, they both forgot you need more than one good play to score. Couldn’t even hit seven points on that drive—I’ve seen dollar store hot dogs spark more excitement. Finally, a touchdown drive came late in the game. Williams to Odunze, top 10 rookie to top 10 rookie, apparently a rare thing. Not throwing a touchdown until your third game of the season seems a bit rare as well. At least I’d like it to be rare. That was then bungled with a fumble on a throw that just wasn’t thrown quick enough. Then they just lost. I don’t even want to talk about the damn Packers.
The Gophers couldn’t beat Iowa. That sucks. I don’t really wanna talk about it.
I’m not the biggest fan of the North Dakota FCS teams, but I watch them from time to time as a good use for my ESPN+ subscription. But I gotta say, their exactly matching final scores yesterday was kind of interesting. It’s like they decided, ‘If we’re both gonna win, we might as well do it with synchronized swagger!
My guy Chase ‘Yes, My Dad Was Awesome Bill from Dawsonville’ Elliott rolled in 2nd at Bristol behind Kyle ‘Guy Who Has A Last Name Similar to Mine’ Larson—so yeah, good day for Hendrick ‘We Owe Everything to Jeff Gordon’ Motorsports.
But let’s be real, Chase just hasn’t been able to keep up with Larson this year. I’m mostly happy and content as long as the winner isn’t Denny ‘I’d block my own grandma’ Hamlin, or Ty ‘people thought I was a nepo hire but I’m actually not that bad, but I still come off pretty spoiled’ Gibbs, or Austin ‘Oops, I wrecked it again, I’m a drugstore cowboy, hat got in the way’ Dillon. Make sure to say Austin Dillon’s nickname to the tune of Britney Spears’s most known song, as intended.
Yeah, I’m into auto racing—so what if they just make left turns? Which they don’t, by the way. They’ve been racing the streets of Chicago the past couple years, m’boy! I’ve been hooked since I was 10, rooting for the Mello Yello car from Days of Thunder at first because I liked that movie and I liked soda pop. You know the movie…Tom Cruise–hubba hubba huh ladies? And who could forget Nicole Kidman–hubba hubba huh fellas?
Cars aren’t just transportation for me, you see; they’re loud, exhaust-farting therapy sessions! I like car shows, I like small town short track races, I like the big stock car and open wheel races. Rally Racing is pretty cool. Monster Truck rallies are like the WWE wrestling of racing but it’s fun. Once Kyle Petty’s Mello Yello sponsorship fizzled out and I learned some driver names I started out as a Jeff Gordon fan, then liked Bill Elliott because he was a champ in a Nintendo game I played. Took a break from Gordon to cheer for underdog Ward Burton. After a few years off, I’m back, leaning toward Bill Elliott’s son Chase—humble, talented, and that Hooters paint scheme is awesome!
Ok, this has turned into a really boring post, so I’m going to reward anyone who stuck with it with this preposterously stupid short story:
Back in the day, there was a stock car racing driver named Big Jim Sims, don’t get the wrong idea he wasn’t in the big times, he raced ARCA which was big time for Minnesota I suppose since no bigger racing league even knows Minnesota exists. Anyway, Big Jim was tearing up the track in Shakopee one night when suddenly he realized he was in a bit of a jam—nature was calling, and it was urgent! Now, Jimmy wasn’t about to just go in his pants. That would be a PR nightmare in victory lane, and he had big sponsors like Denny Hecker Auto and Fingerhut to think about.
So, with a devious grin, he figured out a plan. He started to drive erratically, pretending to lose control. He scraped the wall just enough to warrant a pit stop to bend the fenders back out. As he veered in, he yelled, “I need a bathroom break!” The pit crew was confused but he jumped out while they worked on the car.
Big Jim sprinted back to the port-a-john and back to the car just in time to hop in his car and rejoin the race. He managed to avoid being lapped by the lead cars—score!
As the race wound down, he found himself crossing the finish line in last place anyway. He gained a few spots, but kept getting blocked by the slow cars and ended up losing patience and scraped the wall by actual mistake. Turns out, all that urgency for a bathroom break couldn’t save him from being the king of the losers. So, instead of a post-race interview, he got a few new nicknames in the garage: Porta-Potty Crusher, Flush and Dash Jim, Big Jim the Bathroom Bandit, Wreck-It Jim, Toilet Tornado, Pit Stop Pooper, Crapper Racer, Big Jim the Lavatory Lancer, Bathroom Break Bandit, and Wrecked & Restroomed.
The end.
