For a while now I’ve been saving screenshots of comments I’ve seen on Reddit and Facebook, because this is a persistent problem that I one day knew I’d need evidence for in an unhinged rant once someone drew the very last straw.
That day has come.
Apparently the internet has decided that if you slap the word “objectively” in front of your opinion, it magically transforms into a universal truth handed down from the mountaintop by a council of omniscient philosophers.
This is not how the word works.
Let’s look at a few real-world examples so you get where I’m coming from.
“The Filet-O-Fish is objectively the best menu item at McDonald’s.”
Tell that to someone with a fish allergy, you absolute walnut. What happens then? Do they break out in hives while whispering “Yes… but he’s right… it is objectively delicious…”
That’s not objectivity. That’s you liking a (bad) sandwich.
“Amy Schumer is objectively unattractive.”
No, the word you’re looking for is “conventionally.”
Also, I’m guessing her husband—the father of her child—would strongly disagree with your groundbreaking peer-reviewed research study conducted entirely in the comments section amongst the incels on Reddit.
“Vaginas are objectively more aesthetically pleasing than penises.”
Bro.
Do we really need to have the talk right now? This early, on a Thursday?
Because if your entire sexual orientation hinges on declaring one set of genitals the global aesthetic champion, I have some shocking news about how attraction works.
“The Last Jedi is an objectively bad movie.”
Well I—one person with functioning eyeballs—didn’t think so.
Which means it is, by definition… subjective.
You may hate it. You may love it. You may throw tomatoes at the screen every time Luke tosses the lightsaber.
But unless the movie physically violates the laws of physics in measurable ways, it is not objectively bad.
Maybe, just maybe, if I wasn’t too tired to give anyone benefit of the doubt on this, you could possibly be trying to say that it was critically low rated, you know, by the actual critics. But you and I both know what you’re doing you troll.
“Due to the economy, Donald Trump was objectively a good president.”
Ah yes. The classic political use of “objectively,” which roughly translates to:
“I would like to present my opinion as a scientific law of the universe.”
If politics were objective, we wouldn’t have elections. We’d have spreadsheets.
“Pineapple on pizza is objectively disgusting.”
Millions of people order it every day, but sure, Kevin from Discord has solved culinary science.
“Nickelback is objectively terrible music.”
Look, you can dunk on Nickelback all you want, but those dudes sold 50 million records. At some point we have to acknowledge that at least a few humans voluntarily listened to them.
“Android phones are objectively better than iPhones.”
Buddy, if tech preferences were objective we’d all own the same phone and the entire smartphone industry would consist of one guy selling The Correct Phone™ out of a cardboard box.
“Marvel movies are objectively better than DC movies.”
Ah yes, the ancient philosophical discipline of superhero cinema objectivism.
Please submit your thesis to the International Journal of Guys Arguing Online.
And nothing will ever top 1989’s Batman starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson with music by Prince, you tasteless fool.
“The Chicago Bears are objectively the worst team in football.”
As a fan of Chicago Bears I can confirm we have had… moments.
But we can actually use the word here, that’s the thing that takes the cake on this one. The Detroit Lions objectively had the worst single season record of 0-16 until the Browns went and matched it in 2017. Now we’re in a 17 win era, so it could objectively be beaten. The objectively worst all time winning percentage belongs to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 0.414, 316–465–1 at the time of this post.
Get it yet?
So here’s the hot take
Using the word “objectively” (incorrectly) to describe your subjective opinion makes you sound arrogant and obnoxious.
It’s the internet’s new version of “literally.”
Back in my day, people butchered the word “ironically.” Before that, there were folks saying things were “groovy” when talking about sandwiches—despite the fact that “groovy” was supposed to be about music and dancing, not a really satisfying BLT. Alright, I’ll admit that one’s a bit of a stretch. Slang is slang. Language evolves. That stuff is subjective. But objectivity is not.
Every generation gets a word they collectively beat to death with a shovel.
Right now that word is objectively.
People think it magically upgrades their opinion into a fact.
It doesn’t.
You’re not strengthening your argument.
You’re just loudly announcing that you don’t know what the word means.
Worse, by overusing it you’re slowly diluting the concept of actual objective truth, which is something society probably shouldn’t be casually throwing into a linguistic wood chipper.
And perhaps that’s the whole goal (tinfoil hat time), since we’re famously living in the time of “alternative facts” according to whatserface from the first Trump administration.
Vocab Lesson Time
Objective: measurable fact independent of personal opinion.
Subjective: how you feel about something.
Examples:
- “Water freezes at 32°F.” → Objective.
- “The Filet-O-Fish slaps.” → Subjective.
- “My favorite movie is The Last Jedi.” → Subjective.
- “Gravity exists.” → Objective.
See how easy that was?
No philosophy degree required.
In Conclusion
If you want to say:
- “I think this movie sucks.”
- “I hate pineapple pizza.”
- “I prefer skinny comedians.”
Great. Totally fine.
That’s what opinions are for.
Just stop trying to duct-tape the word “objectively” onto your personal taste like it’s a Nobel Prize citation.
Because the only objective fact here is this:
The internet is confidently wrong about vocabulary again.
Even Urban Dictionary has it right and feels my pain.
In my humble opinion. Objectively.
And before you go: “LOL Dustin doesn’t understand hyperbole, couldn’t tell we were just kidding.” Please just stop.
Thank you.