Who the f**k is this ranting guy?

• NFL: Chicago Bears – Enduring frustration since I was 2 in 1985
• MLB: Minnesota Twins – Where optimism is a required skill.
• NHL: Minnesota Wild – They keep us on the edge of our seat, mostly because we’re falling asleep.
• MLS: Minnesota United – At least they look good losing.
• EPL: Leicester City F.C. – My ancestors lived in their area.
• NASCAR: Chase Elliott #9 – I like my race car drivers like I like my coffee: fast and no small-talk

• My blood type is essentially espresso by now.
• I once made hot dogs from the dollar store that sparked in the microwave.
• My to-do list is just a suggestion at this point.
• Loyal Chicago Bears fan, which basically means I’m great at handling disappointment.
• I can spot a pixel out of place from 100 feet away, and yes, I will fix it

Graphic Designer & Creative Director – A professional pixel pusher with a borderline unhealthy obsession with details. I currently work full-time for a tech company, which means I spend my days tweaking designs and pretending to understand what the developers are talking about. The client is always right… until they ask for Comic Sans.

• Fred Rogers – Proof that you can be the nicest person in the world and still command a room full of toddlers like a boss.
• Alan Turing – Cracked the Nazis’ secret code, basically invented modern computing, oppressed and abused by the government he saved just for being who he was publicly, posthumously inspired that government to change and be better for all the rest—talk about one of the Mt Rushmore greatest nerds of all time that not enough people know about.
• Harriet Tubman (abolitionist) – Literal superhero without the cape.
• Steve Wozniak (inventor) – Gave us the tech we love… not the tech support we hate.
• Jim Henson (puppeteer) – Showed the world that all it takes is a felt monster with googly eyes to educate America
• Steve Buscemi (actor, firefighter) – Iconic actor and real-life firefighter and badass on 9/11
• My grandma who taught me the ABCs and probably a lot more, patience, and to never be afraid to argue with Grandpa.
• All the vets in my family.
• M.C. Escher (artist) – Proved that sometimes art can make you feel like you need a degree in physics.
• Claude Monet (impressionist) – Made blurriness an art form, before it was cool
• George Carlin (comedian, social critic) – Taught us that laughter and rage can co-exist perfectly.
• Abraham Lincoln – Freed the slaves, won a war, and rocked a beard before it was cool.
• My Wife, Mother of my boys, the true rockstar. Sorry, David Bowie, she wins this one.
• David Bowie – Ziggy Stardust, not caring what anyone thinks icon, musical genius. But also totally cool with losing to my wife.

• Independent Thinker – I like my opinions like I like my coffee: strong, nuanced, and way too much for some people.
• Left-Leaning Socially – Think of me as a tree-hugger who also enjoys stapling a target to that tree to practice my 2A rights.
• Personal Liberties – I’m all about freedom, as long as your freedom doesn’t involve blasting dubstep at 3 AM (infringing on others, ripping others off, etc).
• Prioritizing Education – Because a well-informed populace is slightly harder to fool with clickbait… slightly.
• Protecting Nature – I’ll plant trees, but don’t ask me to give up my air conditioning in the summer.
• Fairness & Equality – Everyone deserves a fair shot, even if it means waiting for me to finish binge-watching my show first.
• Medical Freedoms – Your body, your choice. But let’s not let capitalism fuck that all up and bankrupt you so you have to use WebMD over an actual doctor.

• Biking – Pretending I’m in the Tour de France… until I hit the first hill.
• Swimming – Mostly just not drowning, but it counts!
• Camping – Enjoying the great outdoors while secretly missing Wi-Fi.
• Hiking – Walking uphill for hours just to find the perfect spot to question my life choices.
• Cooking – Master of the “almost burnt but still edible” cuisine.
• Drawing – Making stick figures look sophisticated since forever.
• Painting – Spilling paint and calling it “abstract art.”
• Watching Movies – Becoming a professional couch potato, one film at a time.
• Listening to Music – Jamming out like no one’s watching… but they definitely are.
• Watching Sports – Yelling at the TV like the players can actually hear me.
• Making Websites – It’s not broken, it’s a “feature.”
• Writing This Terrible Blog – If you’re reading this, lower your expectations immediately.