Who the f**k is this ranting guy?

• NFL: Chicago Bears – Enduring frustration since I was 2 in 1985
• MLB: Minnesota Twins – Where optimism is a required skill.
• NHL: Minnesota Wild – They keep us on the edge of our seat, mostly because we’re falling asleep.
• MLS: Minnesota United – At least they look good losing.
• EPL: Leicester City F.C. – My ancestors lived in their area.
• NASCAR: Chase Elliott #9 – I like my race car drivers like I like my coffee: fast and no small-talk

• My blood type is essentially espresso by now.
• I once made hot dogs from the dollar store that sparked in the microwave.
• My to-do list is just a suggestion at this point.
• Loyal Chicago Bears fan, which basically means I’m great at handling disappointment.
• I can spot a pixel out of place from 100 feet away, and yes, I will fix it

Graphic Designer & Creative Director – A professional pixel pusher with a borderline unhealthy obsession with details. I currently work full-time for a tech company, which means I spend my days tweaking designs and pretending to understand what the developers are talking about. The client is always right… until they ask for Comic Sans.

• Fred Rogers – Proof that you can be the nicest person in the world and still command a room full of toddlers like a boss.
• Harriet Tubman (abolitionist) – Literal superhero without the cape.
• Steve Wozniak (inventor) – Gave us the tech we love… not the tech support we hate.
• Jim Henson (puppeteer) – Showed the world that all it takes is a felt monster with googly eyes to educate America
• Steve Buscemi (actor, firefighter) – Iconic actor and real-life firefighter and badass on 9/11
• My grandma who taught me the ABCs and probably a lot more, patience, and to never be afraid to argue with Grandpa.
• All the vets in my family.
• M.C. Escher (artist) – Proved that sometimes art can make you feel like you need a degree in physics.
• Claude Monet (impressionist) – Made blurriness an art form, before it was cool
• George Carlin (comedian, social critic) – Taught us that laughter and rage can co-exist perfectly.
• Abraham Lincoln – Freed the slaves, won a war, and rocked a beard before it was cool.
• My Wife, Mother of my boys, the true rockstar. Sorry, David Bowie, she wins this one.
• David Bowie – Ziggy Stardust, not caring what anyone thinks icon, musical genius. But also totally cool with losing to my wife.

• Independent Thinker – I like my opinions like I like my coffee: strong, nuanced, and way too much for some people.
• Left-Leaning Socially – Think of me as a tree-hugger who also enjoys stapling a target to that tree to practice my 2A rights.
• Personal Liberties – I’m all about freedom, as long as your freedom doesn’t involve blasting dubstep at 3 AM (infringing on others, ripping others off, etc).
• Prioritizing Education – Because a well-informed populace is slightly harder to fool with clickbait… slightly.
• Protecting Nature – I’ll plant trees, but don’t ask me to give up my air conditioning in the summer.
• Fairness & Equality – Everyone deserves a fair shot, even if it means waiting for me to finish binge-watching my show first.
• Medical Freedoms – Your body, your choice. But let’s not let capitalism fuck that all up and bankrupt you so you have to use WebMD over an actual doctor.

• Biking – Pretending I’m in the Tour de France… until I hit the first hill.
• Swimming – Mostly just not drowning, but it counts!
• Camping – Enjoying the great outdoors while secretly missing Wi-Fi.
• Hiking – Walking uphill for hours just to find the perfect spot to question my life choices.
• Cooking – Master of the “almost burnt but still edible” cuisine.
• Drawing – Making stick figures look sophisticated since forever.
• Painting – Spilling paint and calling it “abstract art.”
• Watching Movies – Becoming a professional couch potato, one film at a time.
• Listening to Music – Jamming out like no one’s watching… but they definitely are.
• Watching Sports – Yelling at the TV like the players can actually hear me.
• Making Websites – It’s not broken, it’s a “feature.”
• Writing This Terrible Blog – If you’re reading this, lower your expectations immediately.